That's right, Miami. You did it. You survived months of lukewarm Miami Heat performances and minor league-level Miami Marlins baseball to return to football season. The hope is the Dolphins will remain in our lives week to week for every NFL game, right up through Super Bowl LIX.
With the Dolphins' return on the horizon, we decided to break out our crystal ball and predict how each game of the regular season would go. Why? Why not?
Break out your Hard Rock Betting apps — here is how we see the season playing out.
Photo by Rich Storry/Getty Images
WEEK 1 · Sunday 9/8 · 1:00 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Jacksonville JaguarsLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Dolphins record: 0-0
Our prediction: The Miami Dolphins season opener is a matchup between two quarterbacks, Miami's Tua Tagovailoa and the Jaguars' Trevor Lawrence, who this offseason signed new contracts for a combined half-billion dollars. And because sports work in hilarious ways, this game will be all about defense and turnovers, with both quarterbacks looking rusty out of the gate.
Until it's Tua Time, baby.
We call this a 23-20 Dolphins win, thanks to a late-game two-minute drill drive in which Tagovailoa makes a big throw to put the Dolphins in range for a game-winning field goal.
WEEK 2 · Thursday 9/12 · 8:15 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Buffalo BillsLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 1-0
Our prediction: Buffalo in Miami in the September sun? They might call the police. Everyone man their positions and gets ready to hide in the shade as planned, so the Bills can contact the Better Business Bureau and file OSHA claims about the weather.
Dolphins 37, Bills 13. Your wings aren't even that good.
WEEK 3 · Sunday 9/22 · 4:05 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Seattle SeahawksLocation: Lumen Field
Record: 2-0
Our prediction: It's truly as if the NFL never planned a family vacation. Everyone knows you make stops on the way to your faraway destination, but instead of easing the Dolphins into their schedule, they're flying them as far from Miami as possible for one of those sleepy-ass 4:00 p.m. games on CBS.
Dolphins 22, Seahawks 17. Dolphins win, stupid. You thought otherwise?
WEEK 4 · Monday 9/30 · 7:30 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Tennessee TitansLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 3-0
Our prediction: Your Miami Dolphins enter an early-season Monday Night Football game at home. Showcase time, baby!
What could go wrong? It's the Titans. OH NO. That can happen.
Titans 33, Dolphins 32. We don't even know how the Dolphins got to the score of 32, but it sounds right in the context of a messy loss to Tennessee, where the Hawk Tuah girl and the Titans are off to an excellent start to the season.
WEEK 5 · Sunday 10/6 · 1:00 p.m. EDT
Opponent: New England PatriotsLocation: Gillette Stadium
Record: 3-1
Our prediction: It's slump-buster time — welcome to Miami, Pats! Rookie quarterback Drake Maye is not like us.
Dolphins 44, Pats 21. Dolphins get back on the right track
WEEK 6: Bye Week
Someone gets hurt, arrested, or somehow, the Dolphins end up on TMZ. It's been too long since that happened.Draft Kings has set the line for Stephen Ross to piss off the team by throwing a Donald Trump fundraiser at -500.
WEEK 7 · Sunday 10/20 · 1:00 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Indianapolis ColtsLocation: Lucas Oil Stadium
Record: 4-1
Our prediction: This is another sleepy spot on the schedule where you just know the Dolphins will be coming off a way-too-early-in-the-season, momentum-killing bye week. They lay an egg here.
Colts 33, Dolphins 17. Annoying.
WEEK 8 · Sunday 10/27 · 1:00 p.m. EDT
Opponent: Arizona CardinalsLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 4-2
Our prediction: The first image that popped into our heads was the Dolphins defenders running around chasing tiny Kyler Murray in the sun like he's their toddler. Then we remembered the Cardinals are terrible.
Dolphins 44, Cardinals 23. Keep it moving. We're on to Buffalo.
WEEK 9 · Sunday 11/3 · 1:00 p.m. EST
Opponent: Buffalo BillsLocation: Highmark Stadium
Record: 5-2
Our prediction: Revenge time for the Bills, who are still pissed off because Miami turned up the sun back in Week 2. November has arrived, and Target has changed its Halloween section to include Thanksgiving table accessories and Christmas decorations.
We're fucked. Why lie about it?
Bills 53, Dolphins 37. So many points in one of those games that make you want to go outside and rip a tree out of the ground.
WEEK 10 · Monday 11/11 · 8:15 p.m. EST
Opponent: Los Angeles RamsLocation: SoFi Stadium
Record: 5-3
Our prediction: There is nothing like flying back to California for a primetime road game after a solid ass-stomping in Buffalo — thanks, Roger Goodell! The Dolphins are too good, thankfully. Mike McDaniel draws up magic and the Dolphins speed shines against another brainiac young head coach.
Dolphins 33, Rams 23.
WEEK 11 · Sunday 11/17 · 1:00 p.m. EST
Opponent: Las Vegas RaidersLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 6-3
Our prediction: The Raiders will be so bad at this point in the season, that Davante Adams will probably be playing for the New York Jets. Wait, speaking of the Jets, where are they on this schedule?
Dolphins 38, Raiders 20.
WEEK 12 · Sunday 11/24 · 1:00 p.m. EST
Opponent: New England PatriotsLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 7-3
Our prediction: Another pseudo-bye on the schedule with the dorky Pats coming to town for another slice of revenge pie. The Dolphins will make them eat it, for all those years of butt-kicking.
Dolphins 28, Pats 4. We're giving the Pats 4 just because it's funny.
WEEK 13 · Thursday 11/28 · 8:20 p.m. EST
Opponent: Green Bay PackersLocation: Lambeau Field
Record: 8-3
Our prediction: Oh hell, yeah — Thanksgiving in Green Bay. Totally. Thanks, NFL. The Dolphins needed this bullshit in their lives. On the bright side, we wear the throwbacks.
Packers 40, Dolphins 31. Cut to the postgame interview of some Packers linebacker eating a turkey leg.
WEEK 14 · Sunday 12/8 · 1:00 p.m. EST
Opponent: New York JetsLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 8-4
Our prediction: The Jets didn't make it onto the Dolphins' schedule until December. What is this, FSU versus Florida? By now, the Jets are either Super Bowl contenders or Aaron Rodgers has blown up their franchise and walked out behind a fireball like the Joker.
Dolphins 20, Jets 17. Our bet is the same old Jets. Good defense, bad team.
WEEK 15 · Sunday 12/15 · 1:00 p.m. EST
Opponent: Houston TexansLocation: NRG Stadium
Record: 9-4
Our prediction: This feels bad! Late-season road matchup against one of the NFL's best up-and-coming teams led by C.J. Stroud, a future MVP winner.
Texans 44, Dolphins 27. You know this is bad. We know it's bad. Let's just pencil it in as bad.
WEEK 16 · Sunday 12/22 · 4:25 p.m. EST
Opponent: San Francisco 49ersLocation: Hard Rock Stadium
Record: 9-5
Our prediction: This is a real pre-Christmas make-or-break moment in the schedule. At 9-5, the Dolphins will likely be tied for first place in the AFC but three games out of the top-seed race. They need this game desperately, so they will lose it desperately.
49ers 37, Dolphins 23. Here we go again.
WEEK 17 · Sunday 12/29 · 8:20 p.m. EST
Opponent: Cleveland BrownsLocation: Cleveland Browns Stadium
Record: 9-6
Our prediction: The Browns late in a season doesn't seem bad. Then you see it's a night road game in Cleveland, Ohio, where it will undoubtedly be -7 degrees because the Earth is slowly dying.
Browns 9, Dolphins 3. Nobody can see shit. It's snowing. This is madness. Snow should be illegal, just like the sun in Miami. The Bills agree.
WEEK 18 · TBD
Opponent: New York JetsLocation: MetLife Stadium
Record: 9-7
Our prediction: A season finale must-win on the road against the Jets. (As if we haven't seen this movie before.) Luckily, there is almost no shot that the Jets have the same coach, quarterback, owner, or mascot by this time in the season. This game could be played in Brazil for all we know — we've seen weirder shit.
Dolphins 44, LOL Jets 9.
The Dolphins finished the season 10-7, good enough to earn a Wild Card Game against the Baltimore Ravens.
Sigh. No prediction is necessary there.
