Whether testing the waters or partially in jest, every one of my post-divorce partners has casually suggested that we entertain a third. Threesomes are nothing new, and even if they aren't for me, I can see the lure of pulling in an extra lover for a night of fun. What really interests me, though, is the rise of the throuple, where the third partner becomes a full-blown member of the relationship.
Nontraditional partnerships are firmly in the mainstream conversation these days, with memoirs about polyamory — where two committed people have relationships outside of their coupling — charting on the New York Times bestsellers list and terms like ENM (ethically nonmonogamous) commonly showing up on dating profiles. Even Bridgerton had a throuple storyline this season. But how common is it for couples to take on a third? And what are their reasons for doing so?
We might be talking about it more than ever, but it was initially harder than I thought to find people who were actually walking the walk. My various group text pleas were first met with answers ranging from "Should I ask my husband if he's down?" to "Ugh, another person to annoy me?" and, my personal favorite, "Does the person cook?" Eventually, though, I tracked down several people who were well-versed in the long-term ménage a trois for their take on the phenomenon. Here are a couple of their stories. (Names have been changed to protect everyone's privacy.)
The Double Swap Throuples
April was a divorced single mom when Beth and James, her close friends who had been a couple for 14 years, invited her into their relationship. She accepted, and the throuple began a year-and-a-half arrangement built on strong emotional bonds. As a committed unit, the lovers were fully out in the open. Even their respective children were accepting of the relationship.The partnership took a dark turn, however, when James became increasingly emotionally abusive to April. Beth, who had seen this side of her partner for years, couldn't stand to see her best friend suffering. "She hated watching it," April says. "We'd sit together and cry and ask ourselves, 'What do we do?'" After an argument put them over the edge, both women left James for good and moved into a new place together. "We were happy as a couple. We went to therapy to deal with the PTSD we had from him."
Six months into the one-on-one relationship, Mark, a man from April's past with whom she was deeply in love, began reaching out. She discussed the situation with Beth, and together they decided to bring him in for a new throuple. This time, though, April couldn't shake newfound feelings of jealousy and insecurity. The partners tried throuples therapy, but April never quite regained her enthusiasm for the arrangement. Eventually, she told Beth, "In my best world, I'd have you as a best friend and him as my life partner." Everyone agreed, and to this day, Beth and April remain the closest of friends, while April and Mark are in a loving, monogamous relationship.
Asked if she would throuple again, April says, "No. I'd entertain a third for a night but not commit to a relationship."
The Egalitarian Gay Throuple
Adam, a prominent figure in Miami's creative community, describes his throuple experience as the product of "post-COVID yearning." He met Logan in the summer of 2021, but shortly after they began dating, Logan met another love interest, Robert. Since each connection was fresh and all partners were mutually attracted, the three entered a throuple, with the peak experience of their grouping taking place over a weeklong birthday trip to New York.Since none of the three partners had a long-standing relationship with either of the others, Adam says their dynamic had a fluidity that long-standing couples who "open up" don't experience. There was no hierarchy or set of rules among the lovers. He calls it "one of the most intense, passionate, and wonderful" experiences of his life.
That doesn't mean the arrangement was without its challenges, though. One night, for example, the three went out to a club, and Adam — who is well-versed in polyamory and has more than once been a "third" — found himself too intoxicated to keep up with his lovers on the dance floor. He describes himself as watching the other two from a distance. "They were having so much fun, and I just felt like they were slipping away from me." However, on the occasions when the three were aligned, Adam says the partnership was beautiful, and the sex was fantastic. "It was a gorgeous time."
Months later, the relationship fizzled. Logan and Robert returned to their hometown of Los Angeles and developed a monogamous relationship with Adam on the outside in Miami. Still, Adam says he is grateful for their time together and that he would definitely throuple again. He advises those interested in the arrangement to "listen more than you act."
None of the throuples I spoke to, whether or not they're featured in this column, made it past the two-year mark. That doesn't mean they aren't out there, but I sense that truly long-term threesomes are few and far between. It's possible that the arrangement isn't designed to last forever, but neither is a slice of chocolate peanut butter pie from Fireman Derek's, which doesn't mean it isn't worth the bite.
