Three months in, you try not to get ahead of yourself — booking the wedding band can wait. But you're ready to have the conversation, and based on all the aforementioned markers of chemistry and compatibility, you're pretty sure it'll go well. Over a nice dinner, maybe with wine, you ask, "So, like, what are we?" almost bashfully because the answer is so obvious.
"Ooooh," they say, also with the long vowel sound. "Yeah, I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea." (It's always you who've gotten the wrong idea.) They make a pouty face. "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now."
End scene.
Why are we like this? We've become plagued with such a modern crisis of commitment that the word "situationship" has been adopted by both the Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries. ("A romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple but who have more than a friendship.")
If you haven't been in one yet, consider yourself lucky. Situationships can be a source of temporary fun at their best and a complete mindfuck at their worst. I've had more than I care to admit, partly because I have the benefit of time to waste (I've already been married; I have kids) and partly because, in the past, I've been a magnet for traumatized men who just "aren't ready." I was their hospitable first stop after a soul-crushing breakup, and I easily slipped into no-, low-commitment situations with them, telling myself that I already have everything I truly need in life and that my happiness isn't defined by whether or not I have a partner — sometimes I even believed it.
It usually happens more or less the way I described it in these opening paragraphs, and after the talk, I'm totally cool with it — until I'm not. Then one of two things happens: The partner is told to shit, or the partner is instructed to get off the pot (to use an old saying). Because let's be honest. In a situationship, there is usually one person who is not ready and one who is waiting, and no one wants to be the latter.
All this begs the question: Is it fucking worth it? Is having someone to binge-watch America's Sweethearts worth missing out on potentially meeting a partner who is ready for a commitment? Should we continue playing the waiting game, hoping our flaky lovers come to their senses and slap a label onto the thing?
I spoke to Dr. Eva Ritvo, a clinical psychiatrist and relationship expert, for her thoughts on the matter, and she gave me some tough love. In challenging times, she said, we find comfort in secure attachments where we can share our vulnerabilities and still feel loved and supported. By design, situationships lack that stability. Without commitment and expectations, there is no framework for the relationship. A situationship partner only shows up when it works for them. (Selfish bastards.)
How did we get here in the first place? To some extent, amorphous blob relationships have always existed, but according to Ritvo, we are living through rapidly changing times where "traditional courtship is on the decline." She attributes this to social media and dating apps, which connect us in some undeniably positive ways but also create instantaneous opportunities to meet new people. With so many options out there — we can connect with someone online and begin a sexual relationship with them hours later — we've been given less of an incentive to commit.
Statistically, more people than ever are single. Dr. Ritvo says that, as a society, we have been moving towards freer and greater access, which has worked against stable relationships and secure attachment. As a result, the stakes are lower than ever. Relationships have become "easy in, easy out" unless both partners are willing to commit.
Plenty of memes, at least on my algorithm, joke about situationships, saying something like, "Either you're the one with low self-worth or the one with commitment issues." (The internet really does its thing, I have to admit.) Yet, so many of us decide to wallow in ambiguity.
Is there hope for a relationship beyond the gray zone? Ritvo says, "If someone is telling you that they don't want to be in a committed relationship, chances are what they're saying is accurate, so you need to set realistic expectations. Don't overinvest if they aren't offering what you want." In other words, save that wedding band deposit for something practical. And above all, she says, "Protect your heart."
