No, it has nothing to do with us having spent 96 hours grinding tape to provide an analysis of the seven newest Dolphins players. To be honest, it's just always like this.
Still, that doesn't mean we can't get in on the action and play draft guru for a day like everyone else. The difference between us and the countless outlets masquerading as draft experts is that we're being open and honest about how we went about our research — and when said research of this year's crop of eligible prospects began.
So, here it is: The process began moments after these men we had previously never heard of became Miami Dolphins, and the research we used to grade these players consisted of staring somewhat intently at YouTube highlights.
That's it. We didn't even look into what other people were saying so as to avoid tainting our evaluation of the selections.
For complete transparency, venture into the New Times' NFL Draft war room, where you will, too, have full access to all of our tape.
Round 1, Pick 21: Chop Robinson, Edge, Penn State
Instant analysis: We like the nickname "Chop"!Anyone who goes through life with people referring to him as "Chop" has to be an alpha dog. You can't take your coffee with extra French vanilla pumps and tell the barista the name on the order is "Chop."
Miami New Times Pick Grade: A
Ground level: Robinson logged 5.5 sacks in 12 games playing for the Penn State Nittany Lions last season. He'll be helping to fill potential soft spots on the Dolphins' defensive line in the wake of Christian Wilkins' departure.
Round 2, Pick 55: Patrick Paul, OT, Houston
Instant analysis: We can't imagine getting past this large man with long arms, not even on a moving bicycle. Someone has probably done it before, but we're just happy it's not us.The name "Patrick Paul" rolls off the tongue. It just sounds like a Pro Bowl name.
Miami New Times Pick Grade: B
Ground level: University of Houston alum, younger brother of Washington Commanders' offensive guard Chris Paul
Round 4, Pick 120: Jaylen Wright, RB, Tennessee
Instant analysis: Another Jaylen? Are the Dolphins playing some Pokemon game we're unaware of?When watching the tape, we kept saying to ourselves: Damn, this guy can scoot! Not because Wright is fast — although he is — but because the word "scoot" is fun to say.
Miami New Times Pick Grade: C
Ground level: Wright ran for 1,013 yards and four touchdowns in his final year at University of Tennessee.
Round 5, Pick 158: Mohamed Kamara, EDGE, Colorado State
Instant analysis: The Miami Dolphins drafted a bear. This man is a bear.Mo Kamara is as strong as a bear, plays like a bear, and is possibly a bear. We think drafting a grizzly should be illegal, but the Dolphins pulled it off, and nobody noticed.
Miami New Times Pick Grade: B (for bear)
Ground level: Kamara won honors as 2023 Mountain West Conference Defensive Player of the Year, with 56 total tackles and 13 sacks.
Round 6, Pick 184: Malik Washington, WR, Virginia
Instant analysis: His highlights made us remember Jarvis Landry was a thing. Remember Jarvis Landry? We hope he's doing well.By the looks of the Dolphins' roster, one might think the NFL secretly moved to use six footballs on each offensive snap, and only the Dolphins have been informed. Seven running backs and 14 wide receivers will line up in a circle around Tua — forming the most unstoppable scoring force in the NFL.
Miami New Times Pick Grade: B
Ground level: Finishing his college career at University of Virginia, Washington nabbed 110 receptions for nine touchdowns and 1426 yards in the 2023-'24 season.
Round 6, Pick 198: Patrick McMorris, S, California
Instant analysis: Picking a safety in Round 6 seems safe. So that's fitting.What's the worst that could happen here? McMorris will likely be running down kickoffs or attempting to block field goals. We're for the pick.
Miami New Times Pick Grade: C. We're bored.
Ground level: Two-time First Team in the All-Mountain West Conference
Round 7, Pick 241: Tahj Washington, WR, USC
Instant analysis: Holy shit, it's discount Tyreek Hill!Drafting people that look and move like Tyreek Hill in the seventh round seems like a solid strategy. Mathematically, it has to work eventually.
Miami New Time Pick Grade: A
Ground level: Washington hauled in some solid yardage for the USC Trojans last season, ending the year with 1,062 receiving yards and eight touchdowns.
